Finding my Voice…


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Lonely is the word that best describes what I feel for the moment. There’s this deep and unexplainable feeling that seems to thrive within me, a feeling quite similar to frustration yet a bit different from disappointment. Name it whatever it is.

I was in splendid solitude. And so I peek outside of my bedroom letting myself be consoled by the murmuring wind as it blows the crispy leaves of a narra tree that stood adjacent my room’s window. The surrounding was void by any cheer yet filled by an emanating gloom that stems from the imminent bad weather. Rain is going to pour in any minute adding more emphasis on the sadness I’m feeling all over. For some time, I was in constant battle with my mind and so with what my heart feels on which I’m getting tired of now. I’m into contemplation why there are things you seem to innately possess yet have no means to make it big.  In my heart I feel that I have this innate gift, a flair of conjuring and weaving words into  a powerful thought but my mind says that I’ve got a handful of restrictions which seems to overpower what my heart believes in. Specifically, this dilemma has brought me questioning the purpose of acquiring such talent only to be mired and trapped from constraints after a while.

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Ever since I was a kid I have this sincere fascination with words. I could still recall on how I would fondly rummage over the pages of the dilapidated dictionary we had at home. It was the only book we have, my only source of knowledge then. I have found a peculiar comfort on its pages similar to the feeling of thirst quenched by a glass full of water. This time-worn book though damaged, ushered me to the wonders of information and meaning which was lovelier than the wonders of playing with my neighbor’s kids. Each of us I believe has its own calling to pursue in life. Some find the comfort in the caress of paint brushes, some in the melody of songs, some in the toughness of sports while others find joy in the art of carving words into life through novels, stories and poems which I learned to be my strong suit.

 

The passion to write with emotions engraved on each of my sentence has been my way of crafting my art. I have learned it through long and constant observation of the works of other people whom I have come face to face on books. Yes, those dear books which taught me better than my mentors in school. I have grown reading Guy de Maupassant short stories and he has been my guru though his body of works were hard to digest. At first I knew I’m faking it, convincing myself that soon in time I’m going to love his art naturally without looking at dictionary to comprehend his highfalutin words. Mary Shelley also taught me relentlessly by his masterpiece Frankenstein which time after time I have glanced into. In my foray in the realm of novels, it was Scott O’ Dell whom I loved the most. It was more of love at first sight as I was enamored by his writing style which prose is simple yet elegantly written.

Lately, I did realize that I want to pursue the dream to inspire people through words and it has been oblivious to me that even before I have trodden such path especially on the day I have given birth to my blog, a personal space on the web that cuddled my thoughts about my society that I breathe in. As I looked back over the years I found out that I haven’t been so effective of conveying my message to my readers which definitely makes me feel sad. I knew I failed to instill magic with every post that I write. Perhaps, I haven’t carried those of my mentors writing style or worse I fell short of putting meat on my art.

I wanted to be a writer and I thought it’s that easy but I was wrong. Some people have thrown themselves in the confines of classrooms to study creative writing and other writing stuff. So how people like me whose background knowledge doesn’t go such height? How am I going to pursue? I’m going to work out a lot of impediments first and I knew how tough the rigors towards it.

My 3rd yr Anniversary

My 3rd yr Anniversary

I hate to say it but it makes me feel lonely. I have been writing for my blog for three years and now it’s my anniversary. I have come far enough but still haven’t done a lot. One day I hope I can free myself from the margins which I’m seeing now. I hope I can adapt this talent into career which from the start has been my wish.The writer in me is sad and aims to be freed from the confines of this blog to flourish and conquer new avenue.

As I gazed back outside, the rain started pouring bringing chill in my system. Somehow it brought comfort against the forlorn atmosphere I’m feeling.Still, for those hard to reach dreams I say Aja and before I cuddle myself to sleep I say “Challenging third year anniversary to my Blog.”

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “Finding my Voice…

  1. Don’t forsake your dream of being a writer. You need to write , write , write…. that way, you can further hone your skills. You have a platform here, and potentially, an audience.

  2. How Sweet of you Rhence to lighten what I feel. Nostalgia is striking me here. It’s raining…

  3. Even in solitude, you write down your poignant thoughts elegantly. That in itself is a feat that you should celebrate, John. Plus, remember that time your post got published on a National Newspaper? Come on, not every blogger gets to have that opportunity. :-)

    I would prefer for you to cheer up though because there’s a lot to your blog than you give value to it. Selling your writing low is totally unnecessary. We are our worst critic John. We sometimes aim for perfection that doesn’t really exist. Don’t be overwhelmed by your goals and don’t be underwhelmed by the kind of recognition you are getting because not all famous people or writings have the quality and substance they seem to have. There’s an indelible line between being popular and being excellent.

    Excellence is not something that you achieve by luck or sheer recognition of talent. It entails hard-work, consistency, perseverance, and self-education. When you are aiming for something, learn about it. Do your research about the ins and outs, or the current trend if necessary. Best of all, just do it. Do something about it. Do it now. As in, Right Now!

    Excellence is a result of a habit. The more you do it and the more you add up to the quantity of your works, your quality gets better by experience. Once you constantly produce quality products or services. People are going to notice it. You can be discovered but don’t just wait to be discovered. Make it happen. Expose your self to places that would let you learn and show off your skills. You’ll get criticized, you’ll get turned down but that’s part of the process. The more you go through failures graciously, the more resilient you become. When you are turned down, think of it as an opportunity to try something better. There is always a positive side to focus on, no matter how painful or hard the imminent side is.

    Even if you don’t make it big, it’s still better to think in retrospect that you took your shot at life and did your best. That’s better than just worrying about it and just living in what ifs.

    But don’t take my word for it. I’m no better in stuff like this, I’m not saying it based on experience but I learned it from reading and knowing about people who succeeded in their fields. I myself, am trying to emulate them, learning stuff from them and hopefully achieve something whatever it is that I want to achieve. Again, don’t take my word for it. Try it.

    Anywho, it’s better that you go through a phase of loneliness because recognizing it is the first step to purging it but don’t get too carried away by it. Do something to overcome your loneliness. Loneliness could be both physiological and psychological so stay healthy.

    Chill out and get enough sleep. Have enough leisure time every after work. Get active to refresh your brain and body by doing exercise or even just doing mindful walking. ‘You are what you eat’ so eat food that will help pick you up. What we eat could affect our mood. You might want to lessen your coffee and alcohol intake. Read or watch comedic stuff. Reach out to your family or friends and thank them for whatever you want to thank them for. Showing gratitude, is scientifically proven to be effective in making one feel happy. Now take my word for it. I apply these stuff in making an over-thinker like me get through about everything. Trust me. I went through really really really hard times. ;-)

    • June you know how much i appreciate
      When you drop by. You always bring smile to me. You’re a blessing,June. I so much agree with what you’ve said.A big THANK YOU to you.

  4. Write when you can and write when you can’t. :)

  5. Yes, you are. And I so agree with your idea of sharing your stories regardless of how many people read them.

  6. Josh Ronquillo

    Continue writing John. Marami kang nai-inspire na tao, lalo na ng na-published sa national newspaper yung article mong “Superheroes”. From that on naging avid reader mo na ako. ;)

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